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Personal Development for Seconds

Hey, it’s Nathan. This is the "Welcome" series for How to be Second, especially built for us that are "Seconds", this kind of person. If you signed up for the email list, you're probably already getting these! But of course, you can absorb them as fast as you'd like.

Here's the whole series:

Buying into Your Self (A Second?)

Introducing H2B2 and your Second's Community

OK, I’m a Second… now what?

We want Seconds to understand WHO they are, HOW that’s valuable, how to OWN that value for themselves, AND… that it’s OURS to own that value. Here’s how we’re supporting that along the Second’s journey:

  1. The Weekly Email, talking about things that are particularly useful for Seconds
  2. A Podcast built to showcase RAW REACTIONS of “Natural Seconds”
  3. The "Am I a Second?" Assessment to get an indication of your Secondness
  4. A WHOLE BOOK talking specifically about finding Identity and Self, instead of just work roles
  5. Personal Development 1-1 Coaching with someone who understands you’re a WHO, not a “what”
  6. Building and keeping bridges to Helpers who support the work of Self - Counselors, Therapists, Spiritual Directors, etc

Why so much focus on Personal Development for Seconds?

I’ve had the idea floated to me that Seconds are somehow “purposefully kept secret”, that our tendency to serve is taken advantage of, that we’re prevented from equity/ownership, etc…

But the “Get shit done”, “Organized”, “Likes Plans” type person… has been popular the whole time? In biblical Genesis, compiled at least 2,000 years ago, Joseph is literally referred to as Pharoah’s “Second in Command”. I found the word Consigliere being used in 1740 in Sicily. In Cebuano the phrase “Tig Tig Saya” means “everything person”.

Somehow, this kind of person we are and the IMPORTANCE of us has been a thing for a looooooong time, all over the world…

…AND ALSO we are somehow invisible and undervalued???

For a while it almost felt like something weird WAS going on, but the results after speaking with over 1,000 real people who have said “Yes, I am a Second!” is…

We’re the opposite of oppressed - we’re just laughably bad at owning our own value.

In the combination of traits we carry in our bodies, where our figure it out muscles are gigantic, we’re naturally risk averse, we can see in implication, and we tend to enjoy being “of service” for others… we develop some strange tendencies.

Like, “Our Special Blend of Imposter Syndrome” which makes us simultaneously anxious and arrogant. Like our desire to move forward with a plan but willingness to stay muddy when it comes to marketplace value. The way we find value in our work for others leaving us weirdly ALONE a lot. The way we generate a tome of impossible to explain skillsets that we forget half of anyway.

We live inside our bodies all the time, but often rely on others to give us words, roles, work to do - to value us on our behalf. In a very healthy and good for the world way, we are of service… and in a weirdly unhealthy for ourselves way, we rely on outside affirmation to find our value.

Every “Dreamer” I’ve ever spoken with can point to a Second (or several) they’ve had, or even CURRENTLY have, in their lives. They’re ready to sing the praises of their Second/s… or are terribly distraught by the Divorces they’ve had with them.

We’re honestly pretty well respected and valued and invested in by others.

Some of the only people NOT investing in us is… ourselves.

How do we press into that in a healthy way, even if it’s uncomfortable?

For me, I started literally buying lottery tickets as a “spiritual discipline”, seeing a spiritual director, having coaches, mentors, a therapist, spending A LOT of time in silence, and truly attempting to own MY value for myself.

You can too, if you start with WHO you are.

The most important thing to know is: Professional Development is additive and good… but personal development is multiplicative, because we bring our bodies with us everywhere. You can try to tailor a jacket (the roles, the WHAT) to the shape of your body… OR you can have a fit body (the SELF, the WHO) which means you look better in ANY jacket.

And the other very important thing to know is: To win the lottery, you have to risk losing. Seconds tend to not invest in themselves, especially in the Self, because it’s nebulous. What does something like Therapy even GET you? What does having a community, going to networking events, sitting in silence, GET you? Don’t you have too much to do, anyway?

“Owning your own value” can feel pretty nebulous, but like going to the gym, I’ve personally found the more time I spend owning my own value, the stronger I am… everywhere.

Shit, even Corey Taylor will tell you that Self-Value is the most important. (He also says No one ever tells us, but I am here, telling you, right now)

ALSO! You don’t have to do it alone! - Growing Together is the mountaintop.

That was a lot - but we always like to ask what you’re ready for next: To grow alone, or go (and grow) together?

If you're ready to grow alone:

You could check out the next parts of this series (if you're on the email sequence, do nothing, it'll just show up)

If you'd like to listen to what it feels like to "Be this person", especially contrasted with a "Dreamer" type, the One Second podcast is for exactly that experience

If you're ready to stay on the pulse of H2B2 and the community, you can make sure you're set to get the weekly email

If you're ready to go (and grow) together:

You can register for the Monthly Meetup and come spend some time in community - or check out the main nav and touch base for what's interesting to you, and talk to a real person about that!