Naming Our Shape

Hey, it's Nathan. Today we're gonna be talking about naming our shape.

Our secondness is our identity, something that is part of us that we can and do influence but cannot get rid of. That means we navigate the entire world with that shape, and we don't know to think about it at all, let alone question or examine it.

We give a name to something that's part of us so we can explore how it works, and then we do so.

 I don't know whether you've ever played the game Pictionary, but the premise is that you keep trying to draw something that eventually somebody across from you is supposed to be able to guess.

A lot of Pictionary stuff can be really hard, even if you are an excellent artist because not everything they ask you to draw has a shape.

There are certain shapes that we associate with some of those things, but not everything actually has like a known shape.

I was playing Pictionary not that long ago with my young daughters, and one of the things I was supposed to draw was anger.

And I thought, what is the shape of anger?

I ended up drawing a face that was, you know, like made a face, like, oh, an angry face.

But they just kept guessing things like a person yelling or all the activities that were part of that, not necessarily the emotion of anger itself.

And I wasn't really honestly sure how else to draw it. So we didn't get that one because I was like, how do you give a shape to anger?

And that is what it feels like to explain something ethereal or something that hasn't even been given a name.

Understanding Secondness, the shape of ourselves, feels just like that. But even less tangible because we often haven't named it, or the name we've given it encompasses so many things.

Like me, my shape, I am Nathan...

But there are so many things wrapped up into that statement.

Yes, I'm my identity, but I'm also my personality. Those two things aren't necessarily the same, but I'm also my life experiences, and those are completely unique to me, my lived and perceived experience. And I am my relationships, but those also are unique to me. So yes, I'm Nathan, but the amount of stuff that encompasses me is really almost impossible to actually understand.

I need an example of this, right?

I'm talking about a thing, and when you're trying to explain the idea of a thing, where would I even start? I understand what I'm trying to communicate to you right now. I have a thing in my head, and that's the best name I have for it right now is "thing."

How do I examine what that is and how do I talk to you about it?

I can try to give it some attributes.

This thing that I'm trying to explain holds stuff.

I can be more specific. It usually holds liquid, but it's usually used in pretty particular situations. I don't use it for a lot of different stuff. It has a very specific use.

This could keep going on for a very long time.

But what if I could just show you an example? What if I just picked this up and said, well, it kind of looks like this!

We have something to latch onto, right? This is why we so often use metaphors and analogies. Not everything can be given a name, but once we actually have a name for something, we can start to examine its shape and know whether that thing is what we're talking about.

This is a Shot Glass. Now that I have named it and can see and examine its shape, I know that this isn't actually what I'm talking about. I can just set this down and can try something different.

So I know that it's bigger. I know that it's particular right? And so maybe it's this guy.

This is much closer, right? This fits everything we've talked about so far. This actually also isn't the thing. The thing that I'm trying to talk about actually has a also a handle, this is much closer to the right size, but it's not quite this size. There is a picture on it, but this is the wrong picture. So I'm actually gonna put this one back down 'cause I understand this thing now. And the thing I'm talking about isn't that. And I can try this one instead.

I love this coffee mug, by the way. I don't know who made it. It's just some generic freaking coffee mug, but it's so wide and has a solid base. The handle is huge, and I have relatively larger hands, so I love this coffee mug.

And I am talking about a coffee mug! It's not this one. It had some of the things from the original one, it was more like an insulated thing, and it does have a handle... so like we're really close, but this isn't quite it.

But now that I can see the shape of it, I know that we're really close.

And I can tell you this is it, right? This is the thing that I've been trying to explain. This is the mug.

And that's the whole deal with naming stuff. Once you have named something and given shape to it and understanding it, you can really start to hone in on what's going on with that thing. Now I've started to give it other attributes and adjectives.

It's so much more than just "a thing", now, you and I both know this is what I'm talking about. Now you could even tell me about some of it. Something I didn't mention until just now that you probably caught onto really fast is that it says Coalition Nine, which I also am a huge fan of, and then also that it is white, and that it's made of metal, which I failed to mention all the rest of the time. There's a whole bunch of attributes we could start calling out and really actually understanding the shape of that thing. But it can take a while to get there. It's a real thing, and once we named it, it didn't change what it was. It just helped us to perceive what we were talking about.

Naming and recognizing something is often work. We're talking about being able to name and know, to give form to a thing so that we can actually walk around it and examine it. Until we can name a thing, it's not only hard to communicate that thing; it's actually really difficult in our own heads to give that form and shape, even though it is plain as day to other people.

But it is still part of us. Especially going into the nuance of identity, once you've actually named that thing, you can start to walk around it, examine it, talk to other people about it, and go, is this part of that? Or have I gotten too many things all lumped into too few words?

Is this a cup? Yeah, but also it has a lid. Is this part of it? It is actually not necessary for it to be a whole thing. I can take that away. So maybe like, this is personality and this is identity and this influences it. They seem to go together, but this is a different thing 'cause this can exist completely on its own fully without that other thing. Maybe they're two different things.

Going into the deep end is exactly like that. It is recognizing who we are, owning that, and recognizing how valuable it is. Learning to name it and work with it so we can own it for ourselves, rather just the little bits and pieces that other people have given their names to. So that they can speak towards you or try to speak with you or recognize it as valuable in their own way.

This is taking all of that and actually setting it in front of you and naming it and saying this, this is my secondness. This is part of who I am, and now that I've given it a name, it means I can understand its shape, how I am it, and how it is me, and what that means for me.

 This is a baseball cap, right? Well, it seems like every baseball cap has some key components. Almost every single one of them has this thing. A bill. This is a logo. This is the button. You'll notice that this one has no little back strap. So this one is just a little bit different, even though it has all the rest of the components, right? But if it were missing many more components, it would no longer be a baseball cap.

And that is like our secondness.

So I could say, this is my risk aversion, right? I don't realize it, but I actually show up with my risk aversion all the time. And I don't even think that I'm that risk-averse, but actually, by comparison to what is actually risky, I'm very risk-averse. This never leaves me. It influences all the decisions that I make. And actually it covers me. Constantly. I have my risk aversion. We all do. That's part of my secondness.

This is a thing that I lead with. I tend to represent others. I tend to want to wear this stuff, right? I'm inspired to do things on behalf of the other people I care about deeply. I think that stuff is cool, and that's when I wanna stand behind it. This is sort of like my desire to serve. And we tend to all carry that, that we all tend to be like inspired by the needs and dreams of others.

Oh, this is my tendency to be collaborative. It's sort of like I always want to work with people, but then I also have a tendency not to ask people for feedback or collaboration unless I am trying to figure out what's missing. I'm kind of actually really not that great at collaboration until I have started taking and looking at the shape of this thing and then starting to influence that thing.

Is this my convincing energy? And I only have so much of it?

I can start acclimating to understanding of myself and my shape by giving this thing a name, recognizing it, and walking around it.

And until we give it, we really can't do that.

Giving it a name and helping you understand the shape of it doesn't make it something that you can put down. We believe your secondness is part of who you are. We say it is immutable, just part of you, that you can shape it and you can influence it, but you can't get rid of it.

So you can mess with it all. You want the shape of it, but it's still this thing, and it's still part of who you are. But naming it gives us the ability to examine it separately from everything else. And that's how we can learn the shape of it and how that's valuable and how to own that value for ourselves.

Thanks.

–Nathan Young