Convincing Energy

This idea of “Convincing Energy” seems to be one of the things that differentiates Seconds (this identity) from other people.

Especially as this energy is something that the role of the “First in Command” demands relentlessly.

It is helpful to know what demands it, and how to spot that you’re running out of it.

I propose that “Convincing energy” is a finite resource inside a human, that varies in abundance from person to person. Some people are naturally gifted with what seems to be an endless wellspring of it (like Adam Neumann), and on the other end of that spectrum, Seconds seem to have a strangely shallow pool of that energy even compared to the average person.

The “First in Command” role is constantly under pressure to convince other people of things. Convincing team members to work a certain way, convincing clients to buy what they need, or convincing yourself that THIS work you’re doing is valuable and relevant and good and the world needs it even if they don’t know to ask for it.

Whether that’s being the FCMD of an organization, or for the trip to the zoo with the kids.

Speaking as a Second myself, I can “do the stuff” demanded by the First in Command role with a pretty high degree of competence, and even joy. I can show up to things, places, and conversations without much problem, and I can enjoy it, and it can be awesome! Which is good, because that IS often “the work” of the role. 

I’m also competent to make the plan… and energy-wise, I admit that I often retreat to plan making, though I enjoy both and seem competent enough at both.

And, another piece of the work when you’re leading a team or building an organization that serves others (especially one that serves in exchange for dollars) or making dinner for the family, is constantly doing the work of convincing. Convincing others that what is being done is valuable. That the team should do THIS work. That people should spend their money on these products. That the kids should eat THIS food. That these ideas are worth attention. That MY ideas are worth attention. That you should follow MY plan.

Why should you do those things? …because I said so? Maybe I even have data to back that up!

I mean, of course I personally have data to back it up, can you IMAGINE trying to convince someone without nearly irrefutable proof that what you’re trying to convince someone of is good? I suspect that most Seconds would nod along to this like it’s obvious, and I’m here to tell you that people who are NOT Seconds do not need this proof AT ALL. (Or at least, way less)

On my best days and in the right lighting, I think I can look like a well oiled “1iC identity” type, full of vision and ready to convince the world that what we’re doing is great and deserves attention. On those days, I can stand out front, alone, with no apology, willing to convince anyone.

And on my worst days, hell, even on my mediocre days, I can struggle to convince myself, data be damned.

Understanding this about myself has helped me navigate a LOT of the pressures that my roles play against my natural identity, and frankly, it has helped me find ways to continue, or STOP, when I recognize how much I have left in the tank of this particular energy.

Being “Out” of convincing energy looks and feels depression-adjacent, and also tangibly different. It has tricked me into thinking it was depression, but I’m deeply (depressingly, lol) familiar with what clinical depression feels like.

I’ve also been tricked into thinking I was just out of “people energy” too, as a deeply introverted person, that happens to me a lot. (Not social awkwardness, or shyness, that’s not what that means)

BUT, I’ve discovered it’s different. Frankly, I’ve gotten pretty disciplined at “spending my coins well”, as Simon Sinek (link above) would put it, and I know how to put coins back into the account as well. Even when I have a full set of “coins”, and I’m ready for a full day of peopling, I can still be out of convincing energy.

So, having danced with depression for many years, and being a BIG PERSONALITY Introvert, and understanding both these feelings very well… I understand that lacking “convincing energy” is NOT the same as either of them.

Typically, you know you’re running low when it was gone last week.

You often find out in a scenario like one I live every week – having a client or prospect who has said they wanted to meet with you, or buy from you, in fact it’s critical that they do! and they love what you presented! …and then they move/cancel/ghost you for whatever reason. (typically 5 minutes into your scheduled time)

It shouldn’t be a big deal – Clients/prospects do that all the time. It’s part of the process, it’s not malicious, whatever. Shrug it off, right?

…but you suddenly realize in the critical “next step” moment that you physically cannot call them back, or request a reschedule. You discover that your body seems incapable of pushing against their objections. 

It’s not lack of knowledge (though that’s where I tend to retreat) – You know what you should say, you know the process, the playbook, the best practice, whatever… but the words simply don’t form. You discover all at once that you can’t tell them “No, I’m not available/free/flexible”, you can’t explain to them “I hear you and I think that what I have is the right choice, actually.”

Suddenly you realize you’re just… out, of convincing energy. 

So instead you say, “that’s fine” …and sort of die on the inside immediately. You mentally and emotionally feel the dominos cascading in the wrong direction… but you cannot muster to fight it. You’re just done trying to convince them.

This has happened to me a hundred times with my kids – when it doesn’t matter how many times I tell them what we’re having for dinner is delicious, they’re just not interested, and eventually I just say “that’s fine” and make mac and cheese again.

It’s not that I think they’re right – and I’m not depressed, and I don’t need to be alone to recharge. It’s just sort of a throw your hands up, “whatever” type of energy.

I suspect that among us Seconds, those of us who are the “2iC” type (guilty) can sustain this slightly better than our “2” counterparts, for a couple reasons:

• 2iCs seem to derive a bit of energy from flexing their ‘master plan’ muscles
• 2iCs seem to have a stronger “I’ll do it my damn self” streak
• 2iCs seem to have a way lower floor of what constitutes a good relationship, which easily comes across as stand-offish or aloof. Most other humans are sort of attracted to those who don’t need them, so we’re actually more convincing by way of our being an accidental loner/jerk type. Like a cat.

Unfortunately for my fellow 2iCs and I, being “just the right amount of loner/jerk” means that we’re kinda loners and jerks all the time. Like cats. Assholes. 

Anyway.

Honestly, this is probably why Seconds so often pair up with other people. Our natural strengths and weaknesses play directly into those of others: the OTHER person convinces others for us, often by spending convincing energy at a pace that’s unsustainable for us. Meanwhile, we make the plans that they need to DO the stuff, and sometimes we make the plans that they need to be MORE convincing. 

We also typically aren’t that precious about our own ideas, and we’re easily galvanized into action by a big idea from another person. Whether that’s to build a 100M SaaS company or to buy those weird new honey bagel bites for your 7 year old. I mean, sure, that sounds interesting, right?

I think it’s also why the relationship between a Second and their First in Command is so crucial. If you’re spending all of your energy caring for the team, or building the system or plan, you don’t have anything left in the tank to also convince the team. So when your partner in this HUGE endeavor isn’t moving with you, EVERYTHING is shaky ground, which, aside from feeling unsafe, can make it feel like convincing just isn’t worth the effort.

I’ve managed this better by getting VERY REAL about what I’m willing to convince other people about. If I’m not invested enough in what’s happening to do it myself, I don’t do it at all. 

I actually have a rule for self around this: I’ll only agree to meeting someone for an activity if I would try it by myself anyway. This has led to a LOT of “walking meetings” for me – which is great, because if the person bails, I’m already on a walk. I LOVE walks. I almost NEVER take meetings more than 10 minutes away from my house unless it’s a place I would go to by myself. 

I’ve personally discovered that almost everyone is amenable to this.

I also stay flexible if I’m the person doing the asking. I’m willing to drive 40 minutes to have a meeting in a place I would never have gone to otherwise, if I want to spend time with that person enough… Steve.

I have NOT found a way to “restore” this energy FASTER. It seems to naturally come back over time. It does also seem to be like a muscle that is genetically weak for me – the more I work on it, the stronger it gets… but it has a pretty low maximum potential.

Finally, I’ve learned to STOP lining up a BUNCH of “convincing” conversations in a row. If my calendar in a day looks like 5 sales calls, I beg to move 3 of them to another day if at all possible. I’ve learned it doesn’t matter if I make it to all 5 calls – I’m fully at the whimsy of the other person on the call by the 4th conversation anyway.

I’d love to know what YOU think about this and, if you’ve encountered it, how you notice it, and what you DO about it. Help a Second out.

Finding a Job as a Second

At any point, you may find yourself in need of new work. If you do, here are some tactical resources to get you accelerated in doing that.

• Knowing WHO you are
• Agreements with Self
• Seconds, Roles, Expectations, Issues
• Finding the right job postings